Just Eat A Donut

I have decided to cash in on some faith, faith in myself. I resigned from my job. I am letting the fates sort it out and currently reaping the benefits of some hard work from the better part of the last decade. I’m agreeing with what a friend called it, a “Trial Retirement.” I have been going through some interesting changes since I first gave birth to the ideal— almost a total reform of the perspective in which I view the outside world. That doesn’t mean the inside world has been safe, either.

My dreams have blossomed into no longer me surviving or enduring when things go awry but of me taking action or controlling situations from the get-go. Since I was younger, I have built a network of significant places in my dreams, be it my childhood home; a sightseeing, tourist spot in the Cascade Mountains; my High School; or a what would rather be an inconsequential location except that I had an epiphanic thought there that impacted me greatly. These locations not only have a geographical implication but they have a symbolic denotation as well. However, the truth is they are distorted by the impact of my feelings on the deeper undertow of that particular scene. For example, I watched my childhood home change from a glorious place that I adored with warm feelings, to a dark, tattered version of itself with blown out windows and rain running through the roof. The dreary, barren memory torn apart because no one was there any longer to nurture it. I noticed the mountainous backdrop of the cascades grow from a fond representation of when I once wanted for my family on vacation to a lonely platform of angst because I don’t yet have one. I watched my High School turn from a militant office space to a playground as I aged and realized it wasn’t so structured nor dominate. These things change. I change. My dreams are weird but I love them and they have always been consistent in tone. That seemingly fictitious world in my mind has grown concurrently with my own development. When the real world was small, so was that map. I could almost draw out these places and travel to them in lucid moments of unconsciousness. However, when I made my decision to trust no one but myself, that world disappeared. It is unrecognizable and everything is new, fresh— crisp, and I fucking love it!

A little context: To what I can gather I was within a police chase on my home yesterday after some errands. One, then two police vehicles sped past on the highway with their lights on. I thought little of it until they got off on the exit I was intending on taking. As I exited and approached a roundabout, I noticed yet another police SUV flying up the exit ramp. Since I only had one way to go, I stayed put. They noticed and went around to the first exit (to the right), I went on to go straight through and I saw the first two police cruisers come out of an apartment complex on the right. Still no site of anyone or anything. I assumed they were in chase because going through the complex was by no means a short cut. I looked up to the road they seemed to heading toward and then down, as a few more police officers joined. It was clear the direction they were going, which happened to go back onto my determined path. As I carried on, I kept careful eye all around and especially behind me because the SUV hadn’t yet caught up. People don’t seem to know how to use those roundabouts as is, I knew this situation was more confusing. The SUV finally passed and shortly turned off the lights. A few moments later as I saw further down the road some stopped police cars, they started to take off again and, sure enough, so did the SUV. The guy must have continued running? It was crazy.

Now, these things have a way of imprinting and transferring into the subconscious mind. So, my dream last night. I ended up in a grocery store. I didn’t know what was happening, or why but I found myself hunkered down in a little nook within the bakery section amidst a shootout. There was a person behind the bakery counter. They were dressed in a black sweatshirt with white writing and a black, knit hat. They had one hostage to whom they were taking turns pointing the gun at and shooting toward the police. The Police returned fire a few times and kept telling us to stay down. We slowly accrued people as they crawled to the bakery nook. There was no one out except through the crossfire but the cubby was slightly off to the side and felt somewhat safe. I interacted with the people around me but, the details are now beyond me except for a mother, her child, and a few others of varying age. They were panicking and an older gentleman kept trying to convince the group to run all at the same time because the gunner couldn’t shoot all of us. The mother argued back that the Police told us to stay there. The man retorted about how we cannot trust the Police these days and we were better off on our own. They asked me about my opinion. I reached up over my head to the cabinet where the doughnuts were. I grabbed one out, took a bite, and said something to the affect of “the situation is out of our control. Things are going to happen the way they are going to happen.” Then I just started passing out doughnuts.

I had some sort of Zen shit fall over me. The Police and the commotion was likely a combination of what happened the day prior as well as a representation of the internal struggle recently. I’m afraid and nervous but I am learning to trust myself and stay calm. There was chaos all around me but I made the conscious decision to not let it affect me. I chose not to worry. I chose to enjoy something despite the pandemonium. That level of calm can be contagious as well. I have been very emotional since I left my job and I kept thinking I needed to ‘deal’ with it. But, really, I just think I need to fortify my resolve and enjoy what I can, when I can. I should just eat a donut.