Turkey Day Woes (2020 edition)

Hey there. Sorry I am terrible at keeping up with writing in general. Maybe, uh, if more people subscribed to communicate they want to read this material I would be more motivated? But, who am I kidding? I'd just frustrate you more, maybe? Anyway, I'm back because I need to get out my Turkey Day woes of this year. So, here it goes:

I wanted to recount the events that took place as I attempted to cook Thanksgiving dinner for myself as I hit a lot of the benchmarks one experiences as the earn their Turkey Day Stripes. I battled a hangover, underestimated prep, did not thaw my turkey (3lb Breast) properly, and I had my first grease fire! Talk about a slew of chaos that didn't leave my hunger satisfied until 10pm as I ate all my side dishes one by one during our family zoom meeting as they finished cooking at staggering times. 

So, let me start with the fact that I have been recently health-motivated as my doctor and I got into a conversation that I will loosely paraphrase like this:

"Yo, bro, I'm here for your health and stuff. You're blood pressure, is like pretty bad, bro." 
"Doc, man, am I gonna die?" 
"I mean one day, probs, but you know, I have to draw some blood and see what's up." 
"Word? Alright, well like, what can I do to get my blood pressure back to good?" 
"I'm gonna give you some drugs but really try to drop some pounds on that scale? Exercise more and, uh eat better. Also, chuck that sodium shit out the window! Dog."   

That's pretty much how it down, verbatim, but he really didn't use any expletives and likely was a bit more professional. Look, I am lightening the mood. I will try and make a post about it where I can have a more pensive tone. (This post has explosions and suspence!) 

My family opted for a "socially distanced" Thanksgiving this year due to thing like travel time and also the Covid-crisis. We planned as mentioned a Zoom meeting and I decided I couldn't f--- food too badly for just myself and ruin the day for me. I could dish on Corn Flakes and laugh at the mistakes I made. I went in with a great mindset!

I can tell you the plan of attack is different when I'm not trying to be healthy just to look better and maybe be in better shape but the need to be healthy. So, my vigor to take up my Thanksgiving feast as somewhat health conscious yet still balanced as Thanksgiving-ly enough to pass. I went through my mum's recipes and swapped out some components. In the Cheesy Potato Casserole I swapped half of the potatoes out for cauliflower and the sour cream for greek yogurt. The last of which has to be one of my top favorite hacks. My brother's girlfriend taught me the trick and I have used it anywhere from baking to toppings and, yes even drinks. I also made some ingredients myself such as Cream of Mushroom soup to one, learn how to be a better cook and two, know exactly what was going into my dish. Also, scratch is 99% of the time better. I was not disappointed even though I didn't think about the store-bought soup being condensed. Another thing I did do was reduce my mother's recipes because she always cooked for a village. Being the second oldest of eight, who could blame her?

I had planned on using Thanksgiving eve to prep everything I could. I was gonna chop all the things, cook the soup, etc. Well to put things lightly, the day that Thanksgiving fell on was a rough one for me. It was a first anniversary of a difficult time. I had a few too many drinks the night before and that is on me. I also, somewhat intoxicated, decided that I could get everything done in the time a (3lb) turkey breast would take to cook. Even though woke up with a crazy hangover and opted for breakfast instead of getting started, I had some crazy amount of confidence! Turns out, the turkey was not thawed.

This was the second of my cascading problems. The first was offering some turkey to my brother as I had (3lbs) a lot for one person. His girlfriend is veggie-centered and by that, I mean she doesn't eat meat. My brother, on the other had, does but also he eats everything and doesn't usually mind. This offer turned into a food swap. Great, I also eat (mostly) everything, she is a great cook, and needed more veggies to balance my meal. This added some stress and made things take a bit longer as I needed to cook a little more safely and set up two stations as to not cross-contaminate for someone's dietary restrictions. Running out of time meant they wouldn't get the promised food. Totally my fault, they were cool with it and we got leftovers from each other. Drunk Myke has a lot of confidence these days! My knife skills are not that good (yet), brother. 

I still blame the frozen turkey as the yodler to the avalanche. I started by force-thawing that bad boy as I prepped the garlic and herb butter. When I thought it was done I slapped it with some pepper and even less salt. The over was already at temp (350, this comes into play later), and I was ready to smother this bad boy with a cup of butter with a exceedingly necessary amount of freshly chopped garlic and fresh herbs. However, as I picked it up, the damn thing was still frozen in the center. Thinking that I couldn't cook a partially thawed turkey, back to the force-thaw. This took 2 more hours. Still too hungover for wine. 

I had some aromatics to the bottom to help add flavor as it roasted

Okay, prep time! I'm gonna get this CoMS (<----that means Cream of Mushroom Soup) going! I wash a big soup pot, slap that thing on the burner, cut the butter needed, and started busting out my knife skills (work in progress). Boom! I'm a choppin' broccoli mush-a-rooms! Anyway, I took that cool block of butter and tossed it in the super-hot saucepan. Boyyyy, I tell you what I thought I was gonna be hanging out with the fire department for Thanksgiving! Initially, the butter started burning IMMEDIATELY. So, I moved the pot off the burner. Then, lol, the butter started doing kickflips in the pot. It's already off the burner and I didn't want to catch a bouncing, burning, Tony Hawk slab of butter in the dome so I backed away. Good thing I did because that entire pot exploded into fire! So, I tried to panic but I remembered my training and by "training" I mean PSAs from throughout my life:

I froze, not gonna lie, but that let logic seep into my brain that was surging with all sort of adrenaline. I stopped myself and was like calm down, it's not hitting the cupboards right now, it's off the heat, and do NOT use water. I know that much. But, shoot, what do I use?? Well, Myke, fire needs heat (residual), fuel (abundant), and oxygen (ah ha!). In to action I go, I nabbed a metal lid out of the cabinet and slammed that thing down over the pot. Grabbed some pot holders and took that thing outside. The smoke alarm starts blaring at this point. The house is full of burnt-butter smoke and I think "now it's was time for wine." Good thing I was chilling a lovely Sauv Blanc that I need to spare just a little for my CoMS. I wholeheartedly believe this is an example of times where one is being watched over. Thanks Dad. 

I called my mom and we had a grand ole laugh about it. I decided to take a step back, slow down, and enjoy my adventure. I told my "bro&co" that they will have to just have leftovers as I tried to burn the house down. The turkey turned out nice even though it took 3.5 hours at 350 (I may have been misinformed and/or my oven's thermostat may be off). My dad's stuffing recipe (unaltered and unhealthy) was my favorite feat: 

This is the best stuffing recipe I have ever had it it made it feel even more like my father was with me that day and that meant a whole lot! 

My plate(s): 

The CoMS:

All in all, I'll take this year's Thanksgiving woes versus last year's when I got into a fight with a veggie peeler while peeling lemons to make oleo saccharum. I think my fingernail was the only reason I didn't need stitches. Ouch. Going from tools that are dull due to everyday uses at a bar versus the ones you have at home that are practically new. Anyway, if you made it this far with my TL:DR challenge, thanks! Leave a comment and tune next year when I complete the list by burning my hand really, really badly! Here is some Eggnog I made from scratch (yes, it's raw, bourbon be my savior), Cheers!

The video feature my favorite Christmas Song "Carol of Bells" remixed by tomandandy featured in the underrated film "Rules of Attraction."