I feel as if I could speak volumes and be ignored. If I could rattle mountain ranges with calm voice, I would scream and still go unheard. I’m trapped in a living nightmare of negativity and void of savory outcomes. My reality lately is simply of no control, it’s like silently fine-tuned rejection. I have no ripple of persuasion, no utterance of opinion. All I have is drive, but no direction. I’m oscillating and full-throttle, stuck in neutral and backing down an ever-steepening hill. I feel that I am able to simply lift all this nonsense over my head but my feet haven’t any grip. I’m slowly sinking and I am losing composure. I feel pressure when there is none. My fickle grasp of this thing called reality is slipping from my sight and life is decreasing in ease. I’m told stories about how this is just how it is, however this change has occurred in rapid succession as of recent. I can not seem to find any release. There is no relief, it just keeps coming like swimming in choppy water. I can’t breath and every where I turn I am failing. I just need silence but all I get is deafening static. White noise. I am all set to check out, to give up, and just. let. go. Words, spoken with wisdom. Words spoken in ease. Words that are taken in naturally but applied in struggling hardship. Sometimes fighting the tide will present even the most experienced swimmer with peril. Maybe it’s time to just float along. There’s no point in fighting the tides. They are ever changing. This is fact, but this acceptance is absurd! I was on the up, I was pushing. I was fighting. I was winning. For the first time in years, everything was falling into place. I was motivated, in the right direction, and looking to a future designed by no other than myself. I find this situation ridiculous. Hit after hit is getting old and making me numb. I don’t even feel down anymore, I’m beyond it. I feel alone, deserted as the world turns it’s back. I struggle to wake for even my deepest nightmares portray a small measure of control. Now it’s time to encase myself in a layer of fake disposition. Farewell, as I take a leave of absence, wake me when there’s a reason...
I had a revelation and, then, a realization yesterday when, for the second Tuesday in a row I played some form of golf, which, in this case was disc golf. I realized that I was enjoying a game that tested my patience, which used to be my least favorite kind of game. I used to lose my patience easily and quit. Now, I like the challenge. I like playing against myself, against that voice that says I can’t. The more I do this, the smaller the voice gets and the more I get to laugh and say: I can. Upon looking back, this all started on November 1 st , it was the day I quit smoking. I decided to gift that to my Mum for Christmas. I gave her the first cigarette that I would never smoke. The one that was sitting on my desk, begging and willing to be set ablaze, inhaled, and continue to blacken my sensitive lung tissue; the cigarette that I starred at and mocked the presence of on a daily basis. It was a great idea and awesomely executed. She loved it, and my plan came even more into ...
You can't win at everything. The problem with direction is its often away from all else. Pick one thing, even its a random choice from a list, and make it right. Work on that one thing until you get that.
ReplyDelete"Courage is going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm." - Winston Churchill
ReplyDelete"Whether you think you can, or can't, you are usually right." - Henry Ford
This is a little late, but for next time...Don't give up...
ReplyDeletePress on: nothing in the world can take the place of perseverance. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.
-Calvin Coolidge
Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.
-Winston Churchill (the man suffered clinical depression, was a great public speaker, rallied his troops to victory)
Don't give up.